For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my weight. I take after my mom with a tendency towards the chubby and food as a reward mentality.
In January, I got serious about watching what I ate and going to the gym consistently, in preparation for a girls weekend over Memorial day. I very slowly lost about 13 pounds.
Since I’ve been back from that trip, I’ve been in a downward spiral. I’ve been eating everything and anything I can get my hands on, and have rarely made it to the gym more than once a week. I’ve put about 4 pounds back on.
Virtually every day I’ve told myself that I was going to get back on the wagon. That I wasn’t going to stop for a McD’s iced coffee (loaded w/cream and sugar) and also be seduced into a Mcmuffin or cinnamelt (“It’s new, I’ve never had one before. I’ll just try it…” for the record, it was dry and not worth the calories, but that didn’t stop me from licking up the excess icing off the bottom of the container), or I was going to eat a sensible lunch or dinner and not go out for pizza or after work dinner and drinks. And I have failed every single day. Instead I’m all “hey look, oreos left over from that ice cream cake I made for company, I’ll have 5 of them b/c one just isn’t doing it.” and “well, this ice cream cake is just okay, you know what would be better? If I put hot fudge and some of this mint chocolate chip ice cream on top of it.”
I generally try not to keep that kind of stuff in the house-cookies, crackers, cheese, chips, etc. But we’ve had a lot of company lately and once the company is gone, I can not bear to throw away the leftovers. That’s another tendency inherited from mom: a complete inability to “waste” food. So when I get home at the end of the day, it’s much faster to stuff some crackers and hummus in my mouth than it is to peel, chop and cook a vegetable. I try to keep stuff prepped but even when it is in the fridge, when it’s sitting there next to a nice sharp cheese, it seems bland and no fun by comparison. The treats just call my name and I can’t focus on anything else.
I resolved that this week, this week, for real, I was going to make it to the gym Monday-Thursday, and eat all the fish, chicken and veggies in the freezer that are already prepped, individually portioned and ready to go. Except this week I have felt like there is a bottomless pit where my stomach should be, and a reasonable portion of chicken, with some wheat bread even, didn’t even hit bottom. Monday I did make it to the gym, but when I got home, I ate about five times more calories than I could have possibly burned. This is despite the pregym snack of kashi granola bar and banana. Usually my pre-gym snack is either fruit or granola.
Yesterday was a bottom of the barrel day. I specifically went home at lunch to let the dog out to accommodate an after work trip to the gym, and grab my gym bag. After the chicken sandwich and tomato salad failed to satisfy, I went for crackers with some strong blue cheese. Before I left, to get rid of the gross cheese taste in my mouth, I had a handful of chocolate chips that have been safely hiding in the freezer for months. And they tasted so good, I grabbed the bag to take with me. You know what bag I didn’t grab? My gym bag. I was almost back to work before I realized it.
I’ve lost count of the ways I sabotaged myself yesterday alone, including polishing off that entire third of a bag of Toll House morsels. Even as I was shoveling them into my chip hole, I knew it was wrong, but they just tasted so good. And I have zero willpower and motivation. I’ve had none since I got back from vacation and I don’t know how to break the cycle and get it back.
My complete drop in motivation and increase in appetite for sweet and salty treats seems to be directly correlated to the fact that I’ve also stopped taking welbutrin since my trip. I originally got it to deal with some situational anxiety and also to kick start my weight loss (which I knew is a side effect from taking it several years ago for smoking cessation). But I don’t really need it emotionally anymore and I don’t want to be on maintenance drugs I don’t really need, especially as we’re trying to get pregnant. It is extremely discouraging to feel like I have to be on drugs to have the motivation to maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle and weight.