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Carefree as a Case of Chiggers June 19, 2007

Filed under: Daily Grind — booksunread @ 5:06 pm

Despite having tried Nair and similar products in the past, with disappointing results, I’ve lately been seduced back into dreams of depilated, smooth legs that last days longer than shaving by Alyssa Milano and her Veet ads.  Now there’s a product I haven’t tried yet; and it’s not just a lotion, it’s a system! With a bladeless razor! Must try!  (I am a Madison avenue wet dream, so suggestible!)

So off I went to the local DrugMart. Where they did not have the Veet products.  So I bypassed the heretofore ineffective Nair, in favor of a new unknown: The Carefree, Totally Smooth ™ Leg Crème kit.  Hey, well, they make panty liners, so they must totally be aces at hair removal, right?

So I toddled on home, skimmed the instructions, and slathered up my right leg (patch tests are for pussies! plus, I needed smooth legs, NOW!).  Keeping watch on the time, I quickly covered the left leg.  Since I was clocking in at right around 4 minutes since starting application (the directions advise 3, but no more than 10), I thought hey, I’ll just hit my pits while I’m here, too. 

My right leg was starting to tingle rather unpleasantly, so I hopped into the shower and went to work with the bladeless razor.  As I worked, the tingle became more of a burn.  I finished up the “shaving” part and quickly rinsed and soaped up the right leg and moved on to the left.  Both legs were now on fire so I was moving as fast as possible to get this stuff off and cursing my decision to also try it out on my underarms.

Looking down, my legs were covered with little red bumps; they almost looked like whiteheads.  Of course, I had wisely chosen to use myself as a human guinea pig as part of my preparations for a formal dinner I was attending that night.  With no time to dwell, I spread on some what I had hoped would be soothing lotion (sting! sob!) and steeled myself to apply my deodorant.  Luckily, my underarms were not that badly irritated. 

I managed to get through the night, but was still feeling the burn when I went to bed.  Saturday, I got up and was busy running around, so the continual sting was blocked out for the most part.  Later in the day, I realized that my legs were now covered in scabs-little bump shaped ones as well as gashes.  It looked like I had fallen into a patch of poison ivy or been attacked by chiggers. 

I could understand a bumpy rash as a reaction, but it looks like my skin actually blistered and broke open.  I don’t have particularly sensitive skin in general, which is why I didn’t bother with the patch test.  Overall time from starting application until rinsing was about 5 minutes, so most parts of my legs had the creme on for the recommended 3 minutes or less.  I can’t imagine what would have happened had I left it on for up to 10.

So it’s back to the razor for me; nicks and razor burn are nothing compared to damage inflicted by this “system.”  (When will I learn?  Do I really think SJP’s hair color came out of a Miss Clairol box or that Hayden Panetierre owes her dewy skin to Neutrogena and not that the fact that she is 16?)

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