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Starting the waiting game August 3, 2007

Filed under: ?Baby? — booksunread @ 12:33 pm

Weds. 7/25~I got my period this morning, right on schedule, like clockwork.  Of course, this was after some self-torture of the “maybe, by some miracle, we got pregnant last month on our own” variety. No dice. So insemination it is. 

I called the doc’s office a little after 9 this morning and am waiting to hear back. I was under the impression that I need to get going TODAY with the chlomid and the baseline ultrasound, so I’m kind of on pins and needles waiting. It’s quarter to one now. I guess if I don’t hear before I leave at 4, I will try again.

Later~Gack, this whole thing is turning out way more complicated than was explained to me.  From talking to the doc (hurried convo on the phone where we got cut off), I got: period>baseline ultrasound>five days chlomid>ultrasound to confirm eggs>shot>36 hours and do insemination.  Boom. Boom. Boom. Inseminated by this time next week. Apparently it’s more like  period>skipping the baseline ultrasound>five days chlomid>2 days later ultrasound to confirm eggs>based on that, wait like another week until the eggs mature>then give myself shot(?!?!?)> then wait 36 hours and do insemination.  ugh, I’m all wound up about this.  Since it’s all new, I’m all uncertain and nervous about the process (have I mentioned I have a low tolerance for uncertainty?), pile on some menstralness and work crankiness and I am in a mood.

Thurs. 7/26~Of course, I get home last night and my period has disappeared, did not really start, just some spotting.  This morning, still nothing. So now the schedule is all screwed up and I’ll have to call the doc’s office, admit I’m a dumbass, and find out when I start taking the chlomid.  Do I start today as scheduled? Or on day two of my cycle, which would be tomorrow, assuming my period shows up today. 

Meanwhile, little irrational voice in the back of my head is all “maybe it was implantation spotting! maybe you are pregnant with the miracle sperm baby! your boobs are still pretty sore, that usually tapers off right when your period starts…” and on and on and on.  And rational voice is all “SHUT UP! How many months do we have to go through this? Almost EVERY month, your body fucks with you with this spotting bullshit for a couple days before you start.”  And irrational voice is all “but still, that usually starts a couple days BEFORE we’re due to start, so maybe…” 

Seriously, rationally, logically and by all indications, I know that rational voice is right, but irrational voice just keeps on, driving me fucking crazy with its wishful thinking.  I need some duck tape over here…

Tuesday 7/31~Okay, so after torturing me for 2 more days, my period finally showed up on SUNDAY.  I called the doctors office on Monday and she said that we were still fine for ultrasound on Thursday (which now I’m confused what the fucking ultrasound is for, I thought it was to count how many follicles/eggs whatever after I had been chlomid for the full 5 days, but now I will be only on my4th day of chlomid.  I know, maybe I should have asked her that while on the phone).  The HSG test is still up in the air, depending on what is going on period-wise come Thursday morning. Hopefully it will go forward as scheduled, and I’ll get a better idea of what is actually going on. 

The other question I need to get answered was the nurse said something about giving me a shot to give myself, which gave me a laying in bed awake panic attack Sunday night.  I can’t freaking imagine sticking myself with a needle. I was trying to picture it and wracking my brain for anyone I might know in my personal life with medical training that I could call on to administer the shot. I can guarantee without even asking that Miguel will not be any help.  He was scared to go do his own blood draw.  I was hoping it’d be something like a pre-loaded epi pen, but I could still picture myself being too chicken to even do that.

I started the chlomid last night, with 2, 50mg doses.  The drug info said that it may cause dizziness and I’ve read some anecdotes on the internets about how the chlomid brings the crazy, so I’m a little concerned to see how I react.  I felt pretty sleepy after taking it, but that just might have been normal end of day wear out.  No crazy-yet.

Wednesday 8/1~Took second dose of chlomid last night. I woke up feeling very crampy this morning.  It must be a side effect, b/c I wouldn’t normally feel this way going into the 4th day.  I meant to grab the drug fact sheet on my way out the door to double check, but forgot. Will have consult dr. google instead.  Which I hate; I’m not a good goggler, I never seem to find good, consistent info on the internets.  So fingers crossed, everything tapers off today and I’m set for HSG test tomorrow.

Later~ And here come the hot flashes! Hard to do in our subartic office.  Also, I googled and it seems my chlomid dose is twice what most people take. Worried about growing 3rd ovary now.  But then I think-HEY! More eggs! you rock on third ovary!  I’m guessing he put my dose higher than normal to compensate for sleepy mcsucky swimmers.  I’m going to have quints!!!

Thursday 8/2~Panic at the disco today.  I called the nurse to let her know I’m still not done, and she said, “okay, let me talk to doc and see what he wants to do.”  She calls me back and tells me “We’re cancelling the HSG for today, and he wants you to go on birth control until he gets back in town the week of the 13th.” “…?” “I said, “What does that mean for everything else?” and she said “You can’t be pregnant when you do the HSG, so you need to be on birth control until you do it, and then you can go off it and go from there.” “But I’m in the middle of taking chlomid for this cycle, I can’t just go on birth control, can I?”  “You are? Let me talk to him and call you back.”

HELLO? Does anybody over there have any idea what is going on?  Just seems very disorganized and like no one is really sure what clear course of treatment I’m on.

So long story short, I’m not burning a cycle so that I can reschedule a test that is optional.  I mean, we pretty much know Miguel’s swimmers are the problem, the HSG would just assure us that we don’t ALSO have a problem with my equipment (which is highly unlikely as I don’t have any history of endometriosis, PID, etc.).  It’s peace of mind and makes sure we don’t waste time throwing good sperm after bad, but it’s not necessary.  We will do this cycle, and if it fails, schedule the HSG next cycle, if needed.

So um, on to the ultrasound at 1:00.  Where, hopefully, everyone will have their stories straight.

Later~Okay…so ultrasound was about what I should have come to expect at this point. The doc rushed in, explained to me, like it was his idea, that we would skip HSG this cycle and do it next, warning me that if there does turn out to be a tube problem then, nothing we can do about it this round.  I think what he meant was, if there’s a tube problem, and this round doesn’t work, you don’t get your $ back.  Which I understand the risk I’m taking, he concurred that there wasn’t anything in my history that indicated a big chance of tube blockages, anyway. So: onward. 

The magic wand came out and he pointed to a blobby thing that was supposed to be my uterus, and then an equally blobby thing that was supposed to be my ovary. Looked the same to me.  He said the reason that we were doing the ultrasound was as a baseline to establish if I had any cysts that might be a problem.  And then he said and there’s a small cyst here on that ovary, but nothing that would be a problem.  After the ultrasound, he was looking at my chart and calendar and was put off when I told him I’d started Sunday, started my Chlomid Monday and he was all well usually we start on day 3, but that’s okay.  Um, YOU told me to start on day 2. Your nurse told me and it’s on the prescription instructions.  I think when he originally prescribed the chlomid last week, assuming I had started, he moved me up a day, trying to squeeze me in before he left. He’s going to be out of town starting tomorrow for a week. And originally, based on those dates, we were skipping a baseline ultrasound and this was supposed to be a confirming ready to trigger ultrasound.

He said that based on the timing, then, the cyst he saw was probably a follicle developing.  I have to go back in Sunday for another ultrasound, based on the size of the follicles then, they will give me a shot to GIVE MYSELF at the appointed time, and then 36 hrs. from that time, we will do the insemination. So if I give myself shot at 9 Sunday night, they will do the insemination at 9 Tuesday morning. 

All that stuff will be going on at the less convenient downtown facility, with another doctor since he’s going to be out of town now.  Figures. Just adds another layer of uncertainty and anxiousness to this whole thing.  Once again I felt very “wham, bam, thank you m’ame-d.” Like I didn’t get all the information I wanted because I’m not even really sure what all the questions are.  This is my first time, I’m understandably anxious, I would have appreciated a bit more of a personal touch.  How about looking at my chart before you enter? And maybe asking how I’m doing with the chlomid since it’s my first time on it. He seems a nice enough guy, but throughout this process I’ve always felt rushed. 

Friday 8/3~I take my last chlomid doses tonight. My lower back feels twingey today so I hope it’s my ovaries working full steam ahead cooking up lots of eggs! In my head, I’m thinking “go ovaries, go!” Must relax and be zen, must relax and be zen.  but hard to do when work is boring and my mind keeps wandering back to this…

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