Books Unread, Jokes Untold-the pursuit of life

Just another weblog

Nurse Ratchet November 7, 2007

Filed under: ?Baby? — booksunread @ 2:14 pm

Okay, okay, okay, I know I owe a post besides “Hey! Here is a picture of my disgruntled dog!” If Salsera would get off her ass and get registered, maybe I could get a little help here with the content. Because I do not have much to say besides “waiting, waiting, waiting…trying not to obsess and/or get hopes up and failing miserably on both counts.”  And I’m sure all three of you out there are sick of hearing about it.  So today I will write about something only tangentially related to the whole baby saga: the nurse at my regular OBGYN office.

This nurse is a mumbely, surly bitch and I can not stand her.  Every time I go in there and she’s the one who comes out the door and calls my name, I cringe.  It all started back last time I was pregnant.  Apparently, the office can not take you at your word that you are pregnant, no matter how many home tests you may have peed on.  They want you to come in and pee on their stick to confirm it (well, in a cup, so they can stick their stick into it-this gross distinction will be important in a minute).

Despite the fact that I had a raging ear infection at the time, I dragged myself in and did my business in the cup.  Then Surly comes in all suspicious like, “When did you say you had your period? And you had a positive home test? Because that test is negative.”  Of course, my heart dropped to my shoes, but when I insisted that I had indeed gotten a clear positive, she acted all put upon, “well, we’re going to have to take blood then.”  Then she goes back into the lab and comes back and says “Oh it’s showing up now, have you been drinking a lot of fluids? Because your urine must be really diluted.”  Um, nurse, my pee was practically clear-even I know from watching Scrubs and Grey’s Anatomy that means that it’s very diluted and I’ve been drinking a lot. 

Then, when I explain that I was sick and taking antibiotics, she said “I don’t think you should be taking that.”  I had told my GP when I went in that I was pregnant and she prescribed the antibiotics knowing that.  Still, once again, the elevator drops to the bottom of the shaft in my stomach.  So she goes and checks with someone else and comes back all “No, it’s okay.”  Way to scare me twice in the span of 5 minutes that my pregnancy is in jeopardy.  Where the fuck did you go to nursing school, did they cover anything at all? But, hey, maybe she knew something I didn’t, given how that pregnancy turned out.

I had another run in with her yesterday when I went in for my annual pap and pelvic, which coincidentally fell on day 28 of my cycle.  As in, I’m due for my period and it hasn’t started yet.  Of course, I was a blubbery mess to the poor nurse practitioner and was basically whining that it was torture waiting for my period to start when I know this cycle failed and it is coming (pee test the day before was negative, also, my back is feeling crampy, always a harbinger of the period).  So she offered to do a blood test to put me definitively out of my misery, should my body fuck with me for several more days until my period starts.

Of course, it was Surly who came in to administer the blood test.  She starts pulling out the various and sundry blood test accoutrements and flinging them to the counter.  She tied on the tourniquet and then mumbled something.  After a few seconds I asked, “did you say ‘make a fist’?”  “Yes.”  Then, despite the fact that I just now started making a fist because I didn’t understand her mumbley ass instruction, she jammed the needle into my less than plump vein.  I was looking the other way, but I could tell that she was having trouble getting the vial to fill (see: vein not ready yet, above). Then suddenly, she grabbed the needle like a kid with a video game joystick and wrenched it to the side, stirring it around a bit once she got there. I nearly passed out.  “Ah ha ha, that vein was funny, I thought it was going one way but then it totally moved.” Uh, huh, totally the vein’s fault, not your haste and incompetence.  I now have a 2 inch long vibrant purple and hot pink bruise on my arm.  Seriously want to punch that bitch.

But maybe that is displaced anger…we’ll know for sure later today.


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