Why am I such a paranoid freak all the time? After my amnio, my concern was that I wasn’t going to get the 22 week ultrasound that is traditionally used to determine the sex since we already knew it. Because having learned nothing from the ultrascreen disaster that led to the amnio in the first place, I’m still all about the more peeks under the hood the better. Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes.
While the perinatologist did do a pretty detailed ultrasound exam at the time of the amnio, he didn’t document it all as targeted scan, so my OB okayed me for a targeted scan at 22 weeks. Yay! I was going to get another look at wee baby and this time, Miguel was going to get to come and enjoy it too. It’s actually scheduled for this Thursday, at 21 weeks, because the perinatologist is only at my OB’s on Thursdays and isn’t in during my week 22 for some reason.
So today I was lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep and imagining how fun Thursday’s ultrasound would be. How nice it would be for both of us to enjoy it without the threat that something is wrong hanging over our heads. Except…the little voice in the back of my head reminded me that actually, that is exactly what this scan is supposed to be–a very careful look to verify that everything is developing as it should be and look for problems. Meaning it could find one.
Of course, the amnio has ruled out almost any chance of chromosomal abnormalities, but there are probably about a million other things that could go wrong developmentally that I haven’t even begun to imagine. Additionally, all of the ultrasounds to this point have shown that everything is A-okay, without the slightest hint of a developing problem, but that was 6 weeks ago, a lot is growing and changing in there during that time.
And so, my mind keeps going back to imaging the what if. Miguel and I sitting there looking at wee baby together on the screen, the initial excitement fading into fear as it becomes clear that something is wrong. Why do I always do this? Imagine the worst possible scenario and then be unable to get it out of my head?
So then I tried to distract myself by thinking about work, and how I didn’t get enough done today and all I need to do tomorrow and then sleep was a lost cause. I figured I’d get up instead of lying there wide eyed and blinking. I’m hoping that getting this post all down will help purge it from my mind so I can sleep.