Chapter # 567,890,654 of “You get what you pay for, Books (you dumb ass).” So the thingie they had at Once Upon a Child? Not a Doppler, but a Bébé Sounds Prenatal Heart Listener. Yes, a “listener.” Sounds scientific doesn’t it? But I figured for 8 bucks, what the hell?
A Doppler, which uses ultrasound technology, runs anywhere from $100 to $450 new. The glorified electronic stethoscope I got retails for $24.99. The directions repeat every other page to be patient; that if the baby is turned the wrong way, it won’t work; you may hear it one second but not the next, etc. Basically, if the moon and Jupiter are in alignment with Saturn rising, you might be able to hear something on alternate Tuesdays. Oh, and p.s. “this is a personal care device so don’t bother trying to return it. Good luck!”
After sanitizing the plastic parts with Clorox wipes and throwing away the cat-hair infested foam listening cone cover, I settled the device over the area where my OB’s office found the heart beat with the Doppler last week and prepared to be patient. And moved it and moved it and moved it. And nothing. The directions claimed to be able to pick up fluid passing through the placenta for God’s sake. But no 29 week heartbeat.
I wasn’t freaking out at all, because I could feel and see WB moving around in there. I KNOW he has to have a heartbeat. I tried again in a completely quiet room at bedtime and WB was kicking and moving so hard the thing was bouncing off my belly practically, but still no heartbeat.
Checking the reviews on Amazon, a day late and a dollar short, this thing is utterly useless. So of course, now that I have this idea in my head of Miguel and I lovingly listening to the little guy each night, I can’t shake it and must have a Doppler NOW! I am considering just buying or renting a real Doppler. Amazon has one for $100 that has a 4.5 star rating on 115 reviews. Eh, but I’m not sure it’s worth it for the time I’ve got left…
Miguel, by the way, thinks this is freaking hilarious. He was all, “does it peel hard boiled eggs, too?” referring to the time I bought, this:
A whole egg goes in, a peeled egg shoots out! In my defense, it was a bargain basement price for two units! One for me and one for Salsera, queen of the deviled eggs (mmm, now I want deviled eggs). Test # 1 shot the shell almost all in one piece, not the egg, out the bottom. Test # 2, conducted with more force, blew approximately 50 gagillion egg bits out. I did almost pee my pants laughing, so it was entirely worth the price in entertainment value alone.