Books Unread, Jokes Untold-the pursuit of life

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Old Wives Tales…AKA Bullshit July 14, 2008

Filed under: Pregnancy — booksunread @ 7:54 pm

So here it is Monday and no changes on the laboring front, despite my best efforts. So far I have tried the nipple stimulation, but don’t have the patience for the hours that requires. So I went Thursday to the mommy spa for that massage with emphasis on the labor-stimulating pressure points. That was an adventure.

For starters, the lady wanted to talk about what else I could be doing at home, starting with “Sexual stimulation, YAY!” Seriously, “Yay!” She went on to tell me that there’s an old saying “what got the baby in there, can help get the baby out.” She was so earnest, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my husband was nowhere around when I got pregnant. At my lackluster response, she advised that a good way to get started and get in the mood, and help open up my jaw, which was in a direct line with my pelvis which would then also open up would be to work on French kissing, like for 20 minutes.

Um hello, I’ve been married for 6 years, we don’t engage in marathon makeout sessions anymore. I think actual sex would be preferable to a slobbery 20 minute French kiss. She also very strongly urged me to labor at home as long as possible, because “once you get to the hospital and you’re on their clock, they try to hurry you along. And then you could end up with an epidural!” Horrors! I don’t know where she got the impression that I was of the granola natural birth persuasion, but I wasn’t interested in hearing a sermon, so I just nodded solemnly like I agreed.

The massage itself was a little less comfortable than last time; she really put a lot of muscle behind squeezing those pressure points. She worked a point in my hands and then another one in my heels. She also spent some time trying to open up my hips (you know, so I could get into unmedicated squatting position for the delivery…). So obviously, that didn’t work.

Another thing I read was that basil and oregano have properties that may cause contractions. So I ordered a pizza Thursday night that had extra fresh basil on it. I expected it to come with a sprinkle of chopped basil, but instead it was piled with whole leaves. Miguel said it looked like seaweed and refused to touch it. But I ate the whole thing over the next three meals. I kid you not; I shit a whole basil leaf after eating that thing. Do you think I’ve had a single contraction? Not a one.

We’ve already discussed Friday’s extra special exam which also failed to jump start any contractions. Now that I’m on bedrest, all the physical methods, like walking or going up and down the stairs are out. A trip to the doc’s this morning revealed that my bp is holding steady so they are not in any hurry to rush wee baby along. I’m starting to worry we are in for at least hitting my due date. It’s not that I want to be induced; I know it’s best for wb for me to go into labor on my own, when wee baby is ready, but I just wish he would hurry up!


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