Books Unread, Jokes Untold-the pursuit of life

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Ambivalence October 3, 2008

Filed under: Schmooper — booksunread @ 4:58 pm

Yesterday, Squidgy took a bottle easily from me during his video swallow study and again at his 6:00 feeding (after refusing to nurse half an hour earlier).  And I thought “That’s it; he prefers the bottle and I give up.” And also, “Yay! Now I can stop breastfeeding, and stressing out about what I’m eating, pumping, etc.” 

But today, I’m full of excuses of why I should keep going with this crazy diet and put off switching him to formula.  All along, I’ve pooh pooh’d the notion that nursing is somehow more bonding and intimate than feeding your child a bottle…as long as you’re not propping up the bottle and walking away, you are still cuddling, contacting and interacting with your baby.  And certainly when Squidgy screams like I’m shoving bamboo slivers under his tiny fingernails when presented with my breast, nursing is not at all a good experience for either one of us.  And yet, when he nurses well, it really is a indescribably intimate thing; I am giving him something no one else can. 

Of course, when I’ve inadvertently eaten something he doesn’t like, what I’ve given him is stomach ache…I know logically that with whatever his stomach sensitivities are (an allergy or something else), he will probably feel better on the consistency of formula.  And I certainly could go on and on and on about all the things that I’ve found to be a pain in the ass about nursing.  But still, something intangible and illogical is holding me back.

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