I don’t even know what to say about the last few weeks that I’ve been maintaining radio silence over here. It seems we have been riding the crazy train that is 1 part post partum depression, 1 dash seasonique birth control insanity pills, plus 2 parts anal retentive control freak, all hurtling into the gaping maw of the holidays.
It has been rough. Tearful meltdowns, black bitchy moods, fights with Miguel that ended in threats of divorce, the whole nine yards. You’d think at 5 months and change, things would be getting better, not worse.
At the start of December, I was pretty certain I was loosing my grip on everything. Trying to understand the tax implications of our 2009 flex spending elections left me in a coworker’s office sobbing. I was regularly feeling overwhelmed, tired, irritable and consumed by secret fears about Squidgy’s development. I felt like I had an acidic rock in my stomach all the time, and swung wildly between barely eating and binging on a bunch of junk. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so bad-after all, I’ve been on Wellbutrin since I weaned Squidge, shouldn’t I be coping better than this?
I was ready to ask for counseling, although I couldn’t figure out when I would find the time to do it. I was already pushing it trying to fit Squidgey’s PT around work, plus all the errands I had for the holidays, etc., etc., etc. I even decided I would cede control of the finances to Miguel and let him deal with paying the bills and balancing 600 $3 debit card transactions each month.
Then I thought about it and realized I was regularly missing my evening dose of Wellbutrin. And the light at the end of the tunnel came on. And I started to feel better.
Now add in roofers pounding on your house 3 days in a row. On the weekend. When you are home with your baby who needs to take a freaking nap already. Oh, and inlaws who are coming a day early, obliterating the free day you thought you had to do stuff while the baby was at the sitter. And for fun, let’s give you and the baby a Christmas stomach bug.
So yeah, thank god the holidays are over. Not the most awesome thing to say about Squidgey’s one and only first Christmas, huh?
There have been so many awesome things I’ve wanted to record too, but just haven’t found the time to get them down. Like how in the last month Squidgey’s hand to mouth coordination has shot through the roof and every time he lights on a new object, you can just see the wheels behind his eyes turning, “how can I get that in my mouth?” One morning, as I burped him over my shoulder, he put his arms around my neck and turned towards me and I thought, how cute, he’s trying to give me a smooch, until he started sucking on my chin. No love, just trying to get something new into his mouth. In the tub, when you bend him over your arm to wash his back, he starts slurping all the water off your arm like a dying man in the desert.
Oh and for some reason, he’s started snorting like a little piggy when he’s rolling around playing. He’ll be on his back, rolled up like a potato bug grabbing his feet and so delighted with himself, I just keep hearing in my head Stuart from MadTV going “Look what I can do! Look what I can do!” Oh and that fear I had about not rolling over consistently? Now you can’t keep him in tummy time, he flops right over to his back as soon as it stops being interesting to be on his stomach, which is usually about 2.2 seconds.
Sleeping through the night? Achieved for one blissful week. We did decide to drop that 11:30 feeding and let him wake naturally. Then we started swaddling him again at night. Since his motor skills have really started kicking, putting him to bed at night was becoming a challenge. He was constantly pulling his binky out, playing around with it, dropping it, and then screaming for some help in getting it back in. When he’s swaddled, since he’s got nothing to play with, he pretty much goes right to sleep. And for awhile he was staying asleep, waking maybe once early in the night if his binky fell out. But I was worried that the swaddling was bad for his flat spot, since it kept him from moving around as much, and the Nurse Practitioner confirmed it at Squidgey’s 5 month appointment-that he really is at an age where we should be letting him explore and develop his motor skills. So we resolved that once company was gone, we’d bite the bullet and stop swaddling. Then the stomach bug hit and once he was feeling better, he started waking at night again wanting to eat. Somewhere in there we stopped swaddling him too, so I’m not sure if it’s a growth spurt or if it’s the not swaddling. I’m thinking of swaddling again this week to see if it will re-train him to sleep through the night again.
The one thing I was worried about before that was actually valid was his eating. At his 5 month appointment (which they don’t normally do, but I made one since I was concerned about the fact that he still hadn’t increased his daily intake in the last 2 months and was NOT, as predicted, making up for the lost night feeding once he started sleeping through it), he had only gained a pound, which is about a pound short of what would be normal. He’s fallen below even the peanut percentile curve that he had been on. They agreed that it was time to get a bit concerned and recommended mixing his formula at a higher concentration to get in more calories per once. The next day, the stomach bug struck, so I let that clear completely before starting since the more concentrated formula can be hard on tummies. We’ve been doing it about a week now and it seems to be agreeing with him just fine. On top of that, he seems to finally have found his appetite so he’s taking about 6 more ounces in a day, which is much more on par with what his intake should be. The increased quantity and calories per ounce mean that he has increased his calories by about 75% which is a huge leap. Hopefully, this means that we will see him really chunk up for his 6 month appointment.
Okay, I could go on and on, because a lot happens in a month with a growing baby, but I’ll have to save those for individual posts or I’ll never get back to work. After being off for 2 full weeks, I really need to get on the stick. So to sum up: Lost my mind for a while there, seem to have found it now, feel much better, all is good heading into the new year. Bring it on 2009!